YAOI life of Ludwig
by someoneyou'llhate
Summary: read the notes! Germany-centric, the real pairing will show up later. summary: ever since he lost his virginity, Ludwigs life... actually got better
1. Chapter 1

**Ooooookaaay! First thing first! If you love your sanity and morality kindly ignore this piece of shit. I'll take critics as honourably as a lousy mind-blowingly awful writer should. Too lazy to do beta XP.**

**Title: YAOI life of Ludwig**

**Whole summary: a collection of fics I wanna write based on awesome kink memes or my own disgustingly perverted thoughts about certain German having a gay life. Oh, and without disappointing anybody but myself. (I just can't find enough uke!Germany)**

**Chapter summary: Ludwig had a really fucked up day. And he meant it.**

**Warnings: language, uke!virgin!Germany, non-explicit sex *gasp* (too lazy =u=), shonen-ai/ BL/ gay/ whatever you call it, grammar errors, story written by amateur, unknown continuation (have this like, mega HUGE exam going on at November, and if I don't die yet from the studying, maybe I'll write more shit after December)**

**There'll be only one pairing actually, but it's kinda obvious. ^^**

**Oh, and the title stands for something. If I actually managed to write till the pairing is exposed, you'll get to know. Since I'm not sure how much fucked up fics I'm gonna do, it's labelled as complete for now.**

* * *

><p>XOXO<p>

Hairs slicked back with exactly 3cm of hair gel.  
>Check.<br>Necktie directly perpendicular to centre of belt buckle.  
>Check.<br>Briefcase, suit, car keys, house keys, wallet, glasses.  
>All lined up perfectly on the bed.<p>

A glance at his watch told him it was 7:35 on the dot. Ludwig gave a sigh of satisfaction at his own punctuality. To the German, if everybody took him as a role model and be just as prim and proper, the world could be a better place to live in, and life would be more organized than a bunch of whinny and grumpy Italians, some perverted Frenchs, obnoxious Americans, noisy Englishmen, creepy Russians, and...

Ludwig had to stop himself there, just the thought of what he was going to get through the rest of the day was giving him an early morning migraine.

Snatching up his things, he made his way to the kitchen, feeding the dogs (he gave a whistle. Aster came running, Blackie just strolled into the kitchen, Berlitz still sleeping), drank some coffee (really strong coffee) and grabbing an apple for breakfast (he's on a diet). In the living room, the theme song of the Mario Brothers was filling the room (that damn irritating repetitive song! It goes over and over and over and over) but before he could nag to himself on how Gilbert didn't appreciate his hard work in paying the electric bills, something stirred on the couch.

_Speak of the devil._ The Prussian had probably passed out on the couch after god knows how long had he been playing the game and now was slumbering with the controller hanging out of his hand. (Which would need _his_ money if it ever broke, Ludwig noted) Ludwig tiptoed cautiously to shut the TV and put the controller aside before covering his brother with a comforter (which Gilbert had brought in earlier... and needs washing).

He sighed and smiled at such a nostalgic scene. Usually, Gilbert would be sleeping or too busy handling hangovers or just plain lazy to wake up in the morning to see him off to work. Then, there would be _too_ much work, _too_ little time, a _too_ awesome Gilbert to spend time with his west because West is _too_ much a stick up his ass to admit he wanted his brother there with him, and in the end there will be _too_ much feeling, and Ludwig will be _too_ stressed to tell that he loved his brother _too_ much that it makes his heart wrench at his own pitiful cowardice.

And everything will start all over again.

But a little lapse in the usual cycle brightens up his hope on a prospect that he is too scared to look at.

Ludwig found himself smiling as he drove to the UN meeting. Today won't be quite a bad day after all.

Xxxx

Today was the worst day ever!

Italy had come crying for him to tie his shoelaces but things went downhill when Ludwig tried to teach him by using diagrams (_vee, what's that Doitsu? Oh, a shoe, I thought it was dog shit ahahaha. Waahh! Don't hit me, vee! You should draw better. Its okay, I'm the best teacher in the whole world! Now, hold the pencil like this. No that's all wrong, like this! What's wrong with you Germans...)_

Romano spit out cusses at him twice as much than before. _(Hey stupid little brother, get away from the fucking potato bastard now, dammit! Hah, he can't draw to save his bitchy ass! W-what do you mean you want me to teach you? No, I know your fucked up plan you potato shit. You jus wanna compare me with him don't you, you stinking kraut)(vee, fratello! Why're you crying?)(I'm not crying dammit!...)_

France was flirting (the real problem was when he spilled too much blood in the meeting room and broke a few chairs). Japan and Hungary were trying to smuggle doujinshis under the table. And for some reason, the work in his computer was doubled and some were suspiciously Estonia related (but he shrugged them of, politics?).

Ludwig reached home with England blabbering about something that he ignored ever since he said '_Hello, Germany? ...'_ When he entered the house, what he was expecting was Gilbert.

And there he was.

But what he was not expecting was Gilbert standing in hallway, staring at a cake that had fallen from the plate he was holding, with a very... uuuh... surprised (?) expression.

Or like a child watching porn.

Minus a few centuries old and a few meters tall and a few muscles here and there and ...

Okay.

A surprised (?) expression.

"Brother, what's wrong?", Ludwig asked as England continue to rant him deaf.

Gilbert merely shrugged but still continued watching the cake with fascination (?).

Ludwig dropped his briefcase and suit on the couch before he proceeded to the kitchen. He wanted a drink of water before he was going to clean up the mess.

Then, he blinked.

And blinked again. After several more, he rubbed his eyes roughly and prayed a prayer that he wasn't sure if it is one. His kitchen.

'_You listening damn kraut? Or am I blabbering to a piece of meat?'_

His beautiful kitchen.

'_Hah, almost forgot you really are one!'_

His gorgeous kitchen that he had spent 3 hours 45 minutes cleaning every weekend.

'_That's how you all are! Not listening to what you were told,'_

The microwave, a few Euros.

'_Then when someone was trying to do something nice, you declared war,'_

The stove... more Euros.

'_And you won't realise that some tsundere love you even if a hundred years war smack you in the face,'_

The fridge... a lot more Euros.

'_Then you'll go stripping naked in front of people that don't wanna see your ass and not getting a clue why that tsundere even came close to you,'_

The dogs are going to get sick from eating those junks.

'_Yeah, Ignore the Englishman! He's crazy because he thinks he can see pixies and th-'_

"..w'r gttn' 'unk..."

'_-... excuse me?'_

"WE'RE GONNA GET DRUNK!"

'_.. h-hee?'_

"Pissed drunk! Tequila, Bacardi, Absinthe, Vodka, Everclear, EVERYTHING!"

'_wha- calm down! You're nuts?'_

"7 p.m. Joe's pub, not gonna wait, bye!"

And with that, Ludwig stormed into his bedroom. Not even bothering to hang up. Changing and kicking the gas of his car minutes later to get a few minutes head start from his English friend.

Xxxx

The name's Kirkland.

Arthur Kirkland.

The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

He had experienced war, death, revolutions, heartbreaks, and cursed catering all his life. He was fearless and still is. For the love and pride and honour of the English blood, he will get through this.

Yes, he will. This is nothing.

This is...

It's...

'_Oh god... help me!'_

Arthur buried his head into his arms in anguish as he sat on the four poster bed, naked from head to toe and the comforter covering his lower region. He braved himself to tilt his head sideways, looking at an equally naked Ludwig.

He was sleeping comfortably as if nothing ever happened. But that just make him look sexy... and very delicious...

'_No Arthur! GET.A. GRIP!' _he slapped himself across the cheek (hard) and tried to put his head back together to think of what had happened last night. Although it already seem pretty obvious (and yaoi fangirls all over the world would have rolled their eyes at him).

Okay. Ludwig wanted alcohol. At this, he promptly sniffed himself. Good, just beer, and not all that crazy shit the kraut mentioned.

They _did_ get drunk. Quite badly, his hangover reminded him. The bartender got pissed at them for something and called the cab. They did something more that pissed the cab driver too. They got into a hotel, ordered a room, throwing his wallet receptionist (which he would find at the counter with a few more Euros gone later) because they're too drunk to care.

And then, they started a battle for the bed.

'_Aaah~ th' bed cmphy'  
>'Ngh, outta way kr-krot'<br>'waddaya do-doing? Floor...'  
>'why'd me dflooor? Moooooovvveee- vvvv-vvvv'<br>'Guh! That-thatsa hurtssshit'  
>'Ouch, whyyayadda!'<em>

A few wrestling and they ended up shirtless and... And...

_If Arthur was sober, he might have realised how weak Ludwig was when he was drunk his head off. They didn't punch or kick or anything serious, just trying to throw each other off of the bed. He found himself straddling the German's waist later and said man was still clutching his shoulder in a drunken effort to push him away. It seemed as if it was the most natural thing to do for Arthur to crush his lips to those rough pink ones. Ludwig relented quickly and their kiss was wet and sloppy and full of tongues and lips sliding lewdly against each other in an alcoholic mess.  
>His own tongue was doing nasty tricks in the mouth that tasted like sausages, flicking and tasting and feeling each spot, provoking wanton moans and whimper that vibrated straight to his cock.<br>obscene sound of their wet mouth filled his ear to the brim.  
>'Mmn... A-Arthurrr...'<em>

It was just a kiss... right?

_His mouth moved themselves to Ludwig's jugular, hands wandering aimlessly across the wide expanse of skin exposed, going lower and lower. Until... they disappeared into the black work pants.  
>'A-ahn! Fuck!'<em>

O-okay. Guess it didn't stop there. Soooo... they found toys it the drawer, Arthur remembered as he viewed around the room.

'_Gyahahaha! Meow you bitch!'  
>'N-ngh? aaa...'<br>'MEOW!' *slap!*__  
>'Me-meow?'<br>'Louder!' *slap!*  
>'Meow! Ah!'<br>__'I said, LOUDER!' *slap!*  
>'N-NYAH!'<br>'Ahahaha! Kitty wanna milk dontcha?'  
>'Huh?'<br>'Cats don't talk' *slap*  
>'M-m-myaw'<br>'Good...Now good kitties get milk'_

Oh god... that mouth was god-sent!

'_Y-yeah Ludwig... o-oohh... yessss... shit... Nngh... haa-ah!... do-do that again!... f-fucckkk... GODDAMMIT!... Haa haa.. ahaha, yeah. like that... suck it all in kitty... Good boy'_

Then...

'_A-arthur... haa haa... ah-... gott...'_

Then...

'_Please...I want... I wan- oh! Bitte!'_

...

'_Just FUCK ME! Fick mich ARTHUR!'_

Damn... that was good sex.

But the Englishman can't bring himself to enjoy the act from last night. And he didn't think Ludwig will take it any better than him. Sighing, Arthur carefully removed the binding from the German. Thousands of words sorting themselves in his head, trying to find out what to tell his friend when he woke up.

"Mmm, ngh..."

Oh shit...

"Look, Ludwig... you see, I... ah... it's not my fault!" Arthur tried to reason before Ludwig could even properly wake up from the haze of sleep and hangover.

Ludwig sat up.

Arthr waited.

and waited...

and of course, he jumped when Ludwig turned to look at him. If... that eyes were even looking at anything. Cerulian blue irises were empty like a corpse and Arthur expected the German to fall asleep any second now. Maybe he could plan his escape then.

And just as he opted to proceed with his brilliant getaway, those eyes blinked. "Arthur?"

Damn! Arthur cursed and prayed at the same time and it turned out something like _'Oh Goddammit shit, fucking save me and I'll swear I wont be such a bitch anymore!'_

they sat there for quite sometime and since the killer blow didn't came anytime soon, Arthur expected maybe Ludwig was cool with it, and maybe he could keep his soul. Or/and maybe they could be drinking and fuck buddies while sharing stories of their heartbreak and have sleepovers and bake cookies and...

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"H- HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH?"

"MEIN GOTT!"

"MY EARS!"

The Englishman shielded his ears as they both continued to scream their lungs out for no reason whatsoever. They screamed and screamed and screamed and panted breathlessly as soon as they stopped. Arthur felt sick, Ludwig looked terrified. When the German sucked a breath for another marathon of screaming, Arthur swiftly covered his mouth with both of his hands.

"OKAY- okay... shut up! Stop screaming!" Arthur cried desperately. When LUdwig relaxed a bit, he removed his hands and watched as Ludwig stared at the sheets. Face blanked until he blushed with shades of red that could even beat Antonio's best tomatoes. (hey, Antonio rhymes with tomatoe! Ahahaha)

Arthur scratched the back of his neck and cough uncomfortably, "Soooo... umm.. What's wrong?" _Shit, that's a stupid question._

At least it got Ludwig to glance at him before blushing even darker. Arthur could've swore he saw him glowing crimson.

"My-my virginity..."

XOXO

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><p>HAHAHAHA! told you it was terrible!<p>

anyone seen this comic strip at Aarinfantasy before?

this is my first fic btw... now that that's done see you after December!

*I'll just categorise it as England and Germany for now kay? okay!


	2. Chapter 2

**Hye guys!**

**Hehe, just can't help myself, can't I? Yeah, just ended my monthly test and I'll say it goes...**

**Awful...**

**I bet to the name of Old Fritz that I'm gonna fail every last one of it.**

**Sooooo, if there lack any more disturbing updates recently, that'll mean I'm grilled and caged in my room with piles of books and blinded with so, so, so many words.**

**Until then, I'll say 'if imma gonna be dead, I'lll torture ya'll before I do!'**

**Oh, and I know that I'm a shitty ficcer, so don't hold back in commenting. It's nice to get some help; I'm still learning ya know!**

**Especially western ones; can kick my English up a notch. But anybody is just cool.**

**Title: YAOI life of Ludwig**

**Chapter summary: weekends, they can never go normally, can they?**

**Warning: Grammar errors, blatant mood swings, stupid ridiculous plot, sick writing, gay/BL/shonen-ai whatever, still unknown continuation**

**XOXO**

* * *

><p>"Then, we'll tell them we were with the MIB, fighting to save the earth from aliens,"<p>

"... my ... virg-"

"If they went to ask Tony... well... I guess... we have to kidnap that little _thing_ afterwards. But for now..."

"... virginity..."

"We'll just go with the plan, and they won't notice anything... yeah, everything's cool... and don't forget to mention about Voldermort, that's my best alibi,"

"...gone...'

"...yeah... OhMyGod, WHAT IF YOU'RE PREGNANT!"

"...A drunken Englishman..."

"Yeah! A drunken Engl- I mean, American raped you and- Wait... is that even biologically possible?"

"... Took it away..."

"Right, if plan A until Q didn't work, we'll just have to move to another country, leave out friends and families, get a new home, start a new life, get a farm, and maybe a baby will shoot down from space and become our baby and-"

"no more..."

"OH SHUT THE HELL UP! Stupid selfish Kraut! I'm not taking this any better, you know!"

"... The deepest well of dignity-"

"OH NO! You're not making poetry about your ass with MY language, you're not!"

"-with honour oh so clear..."

"_You're making me sick,_"

"With rose red of pure and sincere..."

"..."

"Deflowered by the hands of the devil and tainted-"

"OKAY! SHUT UP! Stop it, stop it, stop it, PLEASE! I can't take this anymore!"

Arthur gripped and yanked his hair out in frustration. He rolled into a ball in the middle of the pavement, rocking back and forth while mumbling '_I don't wanna drink anymore! Somebody__,__ kill me!' _and gaining sympathy from passerby.

Afterwards, realising that the surrounding had lacked the mind numbing German whining, Arthur felt both relieved and odd. Scanning, he found Ludwig standing on a fence, embarrassingly attracting too much attention as he spread his arms like a bird and gave Arthur a smile with his eyes as well as a 'goodbye world' look before he took the remaining step backward to let gravity take over his body.

Arthur guaranteed that he heard some opera music somewhere in the background and..._is he falling in slow motion? _Wind blew across his face and shadow lines that gave a cheesy classic serious anime effect shaded Arthur's appearance as he watched.

Seconds later, he got bored of it and so does the other bystanders, so they moved from their short pause to carry on with their business.

Arthur walked towards Ludwig, who was currently trying to bury himself to death into the pile of autumn leaves as his first suicide attempt failed.

"it says no treading on the grass, chap," Arthur sighed.

When Ludwig covered his face with his arms, Arthur came to a decision that he missed the crazy incoherencies. Jumping over the fence, he crouched on the balls of his feet beside his depressed friend, deliberately staring.

He sighed again before pulling Ludwig by the arms. Ludwig sat up, but a thousand emotions puzzled in his eyes, lips not entirely frowning, definitely not smiling, so he just stilled.

Arthur sat silently beside him as his hands come up to pull out the multicoloured leaves from his hair and brushed off the dirt from his clothes. Then, he wrapped his arms around the broad body like how he used to when Alfred was still a kid.

Because that's what Ludwig is, young and naive and immature, he was still crawling cautiously out of his youth. Arthur almost felt guilty for crushing it so instantly.

Almost.

"it's okay old fella," he whispered, betraying his own harsh nature.

Because he knows.

_Arthur__ remembered how he twisted and writhed. He remembered how he was so curious and confused with all the lovely sound he made. But __most of all, Arthur remembered-__through th__e lethargy of alcohol and lust-__although it was his name that he mewled and moaned, although it was his face that he kissed and __saw as they separated only inches apart.__  
><em>_Those hazy eyes were seeking somebody else._

"Everything's gonna be fine," and he tightens his hold.

Because he knows, how much they are alike.

Xxxx

It took him five tries to open his door, dropping the set of keys once, picked the wrong key twice, and missing the keyhole twice more before he succeeded.

His dogs came trampling him with their leashes in their mouth, (Gilbert didn't bother to walk them since they're _his_ dogs) but he just let them out to the backyard (which he would regret later), and kicked his shoes off before face planting onto the couch.

There were consequences, but the smell of home, beer and his brother gave a warm feeling down his being (oh, there're food stains... now it's just disgusting).

As if right on cue, muffled footsteps thudded from the kitchen into the living room, stopping right in front of the couch. Ludwig braced himself for the worst.

Sure enough, all the air from his lungs escaped him as Gilbert leisurely jumped to sit and setting his full weight on Ludwig's back. A few moments after he gained his breath back, Gilbert deduced that his baby brother is undeniably comfortable, so he bounced himself happily, intentionally enjoying the gasp and groan of pain from below.

When something snapped, Ludwig panicked but relaxed when realised that it wasn't his couch that was breaking (it's only his spinal cord, hahaha).

Before he could even gain another breath, his brother gave a kick at the side of his ribs, not hard enough to properly hurt, but still throw him off of the Prussian's permanent resting spot and onto the floor.

The albino quirked an eyebrow when Ludwig didn't even whine or nag or shout, just groan and settled down on the carpet like a cat (and _that's_ where it's wrong. He's a dog kind of person, not cat)

"Whuzzup West? Looked like you got fucked,"

"Arthur and I were _drunk_," Ludwig snapped reflexively.

Cue in Gilbert's brain damage and Ludwig's own brain blowing up simultaneously.

As their tiny imaginary brain workers cleaned up all the mess, an abnormally long and awkward silence reigned like a regal queen.

Faster than a heartbeat, Gilbert took off for his room in mach-3 speed, knocking the couch backwards. Ludwig is still in his near comatose state.

Brain... ticking... calculating...

"GILBERT!"

A maddening laugh vibrated all the way around the house that made the dogs whine, the rats died and Santa Claus forever blacklisting them from Christmas presents. Ludwig gave a chase but was too late when his brother had already retreated to his fort; the telltale sound of a lock clicking enhanced his conclusions of his utter defeat.

"GILBERT! Wait, I- We- Just don't you DARE-"

Damped murmuring caught his attention, so he pressed his ears closely to the door, and he heard...

'_Yeah, he got laid! By BUSHYBROWS!'_

"GIIILLBEERRTT!" he kicked the door but jumped on one foot when that turned out very unhealthy for his toe.

"FINE! Get your own food!" Ludwig threatened one last time before stomping in pure rage back into the living room.

The phone rang, but as he was just about to answer it, his cell phone did too. Then, so did the one in the library.

Shit...

No matter how long he face the pain of headache in waiting for them to stop, they kept on coming in an endless onslaught of ringing, so he resolved to just pull off the cable and removing the battery.

He's not angry, really, he's not. Neither is he ashamed nor disgusted, he didn't understand it himself. His eyes fixed themselves on the now-mute phone on his study desk, and...

He hurled it through the window.

The dogs outside barked in response, shattered glass littered the floor of the study, making light clinking when they hit each other, and the banging on the door with a familiar accent followed some time later.

Everything is so deafening.

He really can't understand it.

Xxxx

The entire Saturday was spent with locking himself in the study, running through piles of work relentlessly (now he'll have free time on weekdays), ignoring his brother (though, he's worried about the threat Gilbert gave him about his bed), re-reading his books (and porn that he hid between dictionaries), more work and not eating (he's on a diet anyway...right?).

That just goes to show how stubborn he can get.

By the time the hour hand of his clock pointed to the number 9, Ludwig was extremely tired, and tremendously bored (not to mention starving). But only when he was convinced that his brother is nowhere near the vicinity did he crept up to his bedroom. He didn't want to risk himself going to the kitchen (no matter how much his gastric juice is bleaching his stomach for him to do so) and he presumed that maybe he'll forget about it after a long night sleep (and to check on his bed, Gilbert won't do _that_... will he?).

Xxxx

Ludwig had to admit, he was quite the heavy sleeper himself under certain circumstances, but he just couldn't comprehend how he can't notice anything when somebody did this to him.

It all started when Ludwig felt weird when he wanted to roll on his side for a more comfortable position, and only when he heard the rattling of metal against metal did his eyes snapped open.

It didn't really make any difference since he was already blindfolded with a silky material, but it only helped to heighten his senses to detect metal cuffs around his wrist and leather on his ankles.

A dip on the bed told him of the presence of another person whom was most probably responsible for all this. Without any moment of hesitation, Ludwig inhaled quickly to whistle for his dogs (a certain particular whistle that the dogs had long been train to chase and destroy) but his assailant is faster and he was gagged with a handkerchief.

Gloved hands cupped his cheek. He stiffened immediately, not wanting to give the person whatever emotion he wanted.

He? Ludwig didn't even know the gender, but he guess large hands and not-so-elegant hold was a clue.

He was yanked back to reality as the hand started to move, thumbs rubbing small circles on his cheek slowly and languidly. Taking their time pleasurably, only minutes later did they travelled higher, running fingers along his hair like a comb, pressing at his scalp ever so often. The movements were slow and loving; Ludwig hesitated whether he should just give in and enjoy it before the man kills him.

A light chaste kiss was planted on his forehead and he vividly jerked back, earning a quiet hushing sound from the other man (his hearing was sharper because of the blindfold... that was definitely the sound of a man).

Not entirely trusting the man, Ludwig refuse to relax under his ministration, unfortunately the man was unmoved. One hand still caressing his head, the man planted his face at the junction of his neck and shoulder to give a sharp inhalation, taking in his smell.

There was nothing more but all those light touches. The head snuggling at his neck, the leather bound hands on his head, the fingers tracing his lower lip almost ticklish, but when he sensed lips on his cheek, Ludwig can't help but yank his face away.

He was being held down by the man, he'll be as obstinate as he want thank you very much.

However, the mystery man reciprocate with two fingers holding Ludwig's chin, insistently planting incessant kisses on his face from everywhere around the blindfold and gag to nipping and suckling on his ear. A tongue darted out hungrily, lapping like a child receiving a candy, the enthusiasm obvious in the form of saliva and hard laboured breaths.

The treatment was enjoyable, Ludwig had to admit, silent noises adamant in escaping his mouth if not for the gag. His face felt cold when cool air hit his wet skin, warmed again by the heat from that devilishly talented mouth. By the way the other's hand gripped his hair, and the trembling fingers on his chin, he knew that the stranger was holding back.

Then, his digital clock beeped and the stranger stilled instantly, retreating until the bed dipped no more and the clanking glass from his bedside drawer made his stomach churn.

He knew it was too good to be true.

Ludwig flinched when wet cotton dabbed something cool on his wrist. The unknown man hushing silently next to his ear, probably as a purpose to stay anonymous, but he can't guess whether it's as an apology, sarcasm or comfort.

A sharp needle pierced his skin and if he didn't know any better, he'd say he could feel liquid flowing into him and down, and everything suddenly blurred together until he realise he can't even move when the stranger took off his bindings.

The blindfold was the last one to go, but when that last restraint was gone, he had blacked out.

Xxxx

_-To my love, Ludwig.  
>I love you.<br>I will not hurt you.  
>damn me all you want,<br>I am a coward,  
>therefore, I am not worthy,<br>forgive me,  
>I will come again<br>-secret admirer_

Okay...

So...

He has a secret admirer...

What Ludwig would hope from a secret admirer is anonymous flowers and chocolates and cards (well, this one is a card too but...) like all those in girly-girly shit, but this...

This just sent terrible chills down his spine.

He already had a gun under his pillow, but the part being handcuffed kind of ruined his plans.

Maybe he should stick to sleeping while hugging a riffle... that would work. He ought to set up land mines around the house... Is that even legal?

What were the dogs doing anyway? Perhaps he should teach them to eat anything that moves (except for him)...

Oh wait, his brother moves too. But ...

His train of thoughts were cut off when a tempting smell invaded his nose, mouth watering and stomach grumbling in response.

Oh yeah, he didn't eat a single bite yesterday.

But... who's cooking?

Xxxx

"Yo West, about time you wake up! The awesome me was- was- wa- wa- _what are you doing with that gun?_"

Ludwig blinked for a second before he realised that his brother was referring the one he was holding and quickly hid it behind his back. "Oh, I was- aah- kinda thought it was... was not you"

"Not me as in..."

_A crazy stalking secret admirer_ "no- just... nobody... what're you doing anyway?"

Here, Gilbert flashed a toothy grin and turned around to fully face Ludwig while striking a pose with the frying pan, turning another 360 degrees to snap the spatula merely inches from his brother's face.

"I, the amazing master legend of awesomeness, am cooking the most unsurpassed grub in the whole world for you!" another snap of the spatula, "Herr nerdy Ludwig von stick up your ass..."

"that's... umm, nice... of you?"

"Well, big duh! Appreciate me thou worthless being, you should be sucking my dick right now."

"Of course I would,"

Gilbert almost slipped the frying pan. "Huh?"

"Yes... I would appreciate you,"

"O-oh kesesese! Yeah, that's what I thought you said!"

_And suck your dick too, that'll be nice_, Ludwig added silently, glad that his brother missed his blush._ Stop it Lud, not in front of food!_

"Oh, and West?"

"Yeah?"

"Eat up a bit will ya?"

"... Sure..."

"Then why..."

"Huh?"

"... You... uhh, still... ya know..."

"... Still what?"

"Still... mad?"

"At who?"

"Dunno! Anyone, who-the-fuck-ever?"

"... I don't... think so..."

"..."

"..."

"... West,"

"Ja..."

"... Sorry..."

"... I'm not even angry, brother," (well, that was true)

"Then why didn't you eat?"

"I was busy..."

"Enough to skip food the whole day?"

"... I ate when you were sleeping,"

"No you didn't,"

"Yes I-"

"NO... You didn't,"

"... How would you know?"

"I know, West..."

"..."

"I've been waiting all day,"

Xxxx

All the time spent in the study yesterday backfired to Ludwig more than he had imagined. Since he had left to drink with Arthur early Friday evening, the house was left untended for more than a day.

And a day is enough for the house to morph into a full-blown racket. The whole Sunday schedule was loaded with cleaning every crook and cranny, every hinges and cracks, the dogs were washed for spending the whole day in mud. Ludwig had to scoop up all his canines shit off of his yard, the time spent for his kitchen was tripled the dose (from the disaster from last Friday and from Gilbert's cooking... but he won't nag this time). He had to restock the fridge (Gilbert having failed cooking thrice before managed something edible) and shop for a window (replacing the broken one was an even harder task). Tons of messages had to be filtered from his emails and text messages (the only necessary ones turned out only 1/569), Arthur's messages were read at a whim. _*WTF Kraut, I thought I already gave you the plans! Now what?* *You wanna live in the farm do you? Guess what, I DON'T! You better do something about this or I'll cook your dogs and stuff them down your throat!*_

By the end of the day, Ludwig changed into his sleeping attire after a day without a single break. Sighing, he was grateful he could just sleep away his fatigue without any disturbance.

Without any...

Disturbance...

'_Damn, the secret admirer!'_ Ludwig punched his pillow in annoyance.

_I'll come again_...

He shivered as he remembered the message the stranger gave him. Hardening his reservoir of resolution, Ludwig decided that he'll stay up for the night and _wait_ for this so called _secret admirer_.

As the time ticked off, his fatigue increased, only worn out and stale military experience forced him not to give in into his whim. With the comforter draped over his body, Ludwig hold his dear M1911 cautiously (the one that America gave him last Christmas. It was a secret of course, bribing him for something else which he will not remember now because he can't take another guilt trip when he was suppose to be defending himself from a psycho maniac right now), and closing his eyes in an attempt to enhance his hearing (and rest his eyes).

A small thud caught his attention and his eyes snap open immediately, eyeing his bedroom door nervously. It got louder and louder and louder and Ludwig could see the shadow from the crack under the door. The knob turned. He gulped.

"...West?"

"B-Brother?"

"You're not sleeping yet?"

"..."

"Good, I was wondering, the new porn you bought this morning. In the garage or under your desk?"

"D-Don't be stupid... I-I didn't buy any porn..."

"Garage, okay, thanks!"

Ludwig still blushed dangerously bright even after his brother had left. But when that had settled down and there were no more sounds but the creaking of trees and his breathing, it was getting _too_ silent.

The feeling was rather familiar from a distant memory; anxious, fearing something that he can't even remember of fearing, the darkness act as a sole company that he appreciate and was also damned with until the sun rises.

Either it was in the middle of a killing spree or in the bedroom occupied by a small boy (which both the room and boy didn't exist anymore), all he wanted to do now and then was to crawl under those memorable arms and gaze into those piercing rubies and seep in the warmth that he had long forgotten.

Innocent fear, hunger for comfort, or incestuous love, it didn't matter anymore. But from whatever origin those passions gripped him, he can never muster up the courage to do so.

_I am a coward,__  
>therefore, I am not worthy,<em>

...Secret admirer huh?

XOXO

Taa-daa!

Sorry if it's not any good. I tried to revise it myself, but guess that's only as far as I can go.

Hahaha, thanks for you all nice people for reading this, it kinda gimme a warm feeling.

_Ack!_ I sound like a sissy XP

Anywho! A part of this chapter is from a kink meme ^^

Soooo.. hush-hush for those who knows what's coming kay, Okay!


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm gonna be dead.**

**This is longer than I expected XC**

**I just wanna get to the pairing but I'm worried if I'm rushing too much...**

**Title: YAOI life of Ludwig**

**Chapter summary: just another horrible day, what else would Ludwig expect?**

**Warning: the story is getting worse... I dunno what to say anymore. ****the real monster is the fugly writings. Yeah, I'm gonna stick to that**** word**** after this, **_**fugly**_**.**

**XOXO**

Sleeping late or waking early was more than just a norm in Ludwig's life. Of course he could live if he spent all-nighters for a couple of day or two.

He knew, he tried.

So, why would this make any difference?

He just lacked the usual caffeine that's all (even though at certain times he would admit that he had long ago adapted to those things like wurst to bread; aka hotdog. Trust Alfred to name food from such innocent creatures).

Hours of sitting on the bed numbed his legs and his fingers were itching to pull the trigger, killing something (alive) would be a plus. Opting to preserve his reputation as a (still) sane nation (and man), Ludwig -with all difficulty- pulled himself away from the refuge of his comforter and bed and (especially) handgun and headed to the shower.

The 4.00 am cold shower proved to be only a momentary bliss, aside from eating up the excess time. When the cold air from his bedroom hit his bare skin, Ludwig shuddered but the drowsiness returned tenfold, as if they had went looking for backups while he was in the bathroom.

Dozing off would be fatal no matter how tempting it is. Very tempting. Although he was no longer wary of the secret admirer, Ludwig could not ensure if he could still wake up even with assistance of his alarm clock.

Sighing miserably, he put on a pair of sweatpants and shirt before his equally miserable feet dragged him into the kitchen (which is one of his happy places, at times it would be the bed too but now...). There, his trustworthy sidekick had been waiting, grinding coffee beans efficiently to battle off the sleepiness (but also a horrible backstabber as it mercilessly supplied poisonous caffeine into his blood, watching oh so silently for his death with an invisible smirk and an inaudible menacing laugh).

His eyes flickered momentarily to see the wall clock displaying 4.45 am with its numbers and rhythmic hands.

1 hour and 45 minutes before he could start with his routine.

The scalding coffee slid down his throat. Ludwig sighed out the heat rather in contentment.

2 hour and 45 minutes before he's going to leave the comfort of home.

Silence is booming the confines of his peace, the air was unsatisfying.

The clock ticked.

1 hour and 44 minutes before he will pretend _this_ never happened.

He sipped again; the coffee wasn't as hot as before.

2 hour and 44 minutes before he'll go to the outside world ever since he lost his virginity...

Sick grief rocked his guts.

He groped for the bathroom.

Xxxx

'_I'm in my happy place'_ his fingers tapped anxiously at the steering wheel for no reason whatsoever. It took him 5 minutes and 22 seconds to convince himself to open the door of his BMW and another 55 seconds to actually get out of it.

'_I'm in my happy __place'_ he repeated to himself as he marched to his office. He could never fathom what Gilbert was capable of and it never failed to astound him.

He's like an eagle with a chick as disguise, maple syrup and pancakes at the outside, alcohol and meat in the inside. Not that he has a thing against alcohol, oh no...

The secretary behind the counter, he was sure she's looking at him. There, she did it again! The computer is just a decoy for him to think the other way round. No way would he be fooled.

And those men, what were they doing, huddled up together like that? Talking about his ass most likely.

'_Yeah, laugh all you want guys'_ Ludwig glared at them and quickened his pace.

Once he acquired the solitude he had been waiting in his private office, the door was locked. The paper work was given undivided attention instantaneously, but ever so often he would concentrate on his hearing, trying to catch a worker gossiping down the hall so that he could fire them for his own pleasure, leaving them begging for mercy as their kids and wife left them with the torture of poverty.

Unfortunately, it's either they were knowing what he was thinking or the oak door and walls proscribed his hearing. Nothing out of the ordinary occurred and his sleep deprivation had slowly haunted him as hours passed, damning him for wasting the only precious time to relax.

Unseen weights obstinate in pulling his eyelids down, his signature can no longer be differentiated from nonsense scribbling. His eyes dried up and sting uncomfortably from staring at the computer screen and fine print. The entire day of typing and writing had developed a cramp around his wrist.

He was never the man of self-pity, but he would give anything for somebody to at least care that he is stressed and overworked. Someone to appreciate that he was giving all his best no matter how much the immense labour is threatening to bring him to the edge of insanity. Someone to be proud of his fortitude alongside his exhaustion. Someone to flash a smile just for him, so that he could have something else in mind instead of the emotional uncertainty which irked him all night long.

All of a sudden, his vision blurred, white spots tinged his eyelids whenever he blinked.

Maybe a little shut eye won't hurt.

Just a little...

Then, the phone rang. Reawakening his nerves like electric shocks and startling him back to reality (his watch told him it was already 2.56 pm, time really fies huh?... wait, he missed lunch!).

The tiny ring fought to gain his attention from his suddenly savage grumbling stomach (which, when he listened closely sounded just like dogs barking. He really is a dog inside out huh?). Only at the third ring did Ludwig finally placed his pen down and pick up the receiver.

"Hello, Ludwig speaking."

"_Ve, Doitsu~_"

"Feliciano?" well, that's weird "It's not common for you to phone me," Ludwig asked warily, did somebody held him as hostage again? The last time his Italian friend ever called him was way back during World War 2. Privacy is close to nonexistent for the brunette (and he had learned it the hard way).

"_I was trying out my new phone, hahaha_"

He should have guessed, "Is that it?"

"_It's in the top cabinet... Huh? What were you saying?"_

"Is somebody with you?"

"_Yeah, Kiku came over for the night... he says hello to you, vee~"_

His table clock beeped once to alert him that his shift was over for the day. He drummed his fingers on the table; the fingers gripped the receiver tighter.

"_Vee... is Doitsu busy? Germans are always so busy, you need to relax more. When you don't know how to relax, your food will suck just as bad as your life, vee..."_

"Feliciano, I think I'll come over to talk about something"

Xxxx

"So..." Feliciano ogled straight into his entire being with such intensity he swore it burnt. Maybe Ludwig liked it better when he kept those huge eyes of him hidden (but then, he always wondered how the guy could see like that. Half way through their friendship, he always pitied the poor Italian for being damned with blindness in addition to stupidity and cowardice...)

"Come on Ludwig-san, tell us" Kiku interrupted while purposely invading his personal space on his left side while Feliciano settled for the other. Okay, this was not expected.

They are men! And men don't go talking about their feelings while huddled up on the couch with hot cocoas and bunny slippers and biscotti. They are supposed to roll around on the mud with beers and cigarettes and pain-causing-utensils while talking about their fucking sex life.

At least... that's what Gilbert taught him.

It's remarkable how his humble companions managed to restrict his mobility down to nothing. Ludwig wondered if he adjoined a few tales here and there, a combination of Romeo and Juliet with a touch of the art of war; World War 2 suddenly appeared-

"I... think... we should talk about something else," Ludwig tried futilely.

This only earned a tighter hold on his arms (did he heard the sound of bone breaking?), "No. Doitsu never stop working if not for more important things. This is very important. _Very..._"

"I'm afraid so Ludwig-san, it is simply out off the ordinary for you to come all the way here for a fruitless conversation,"

Ludwig gulped thickly, "Okay... just give me more space, its hot here," that was a total lie; winter is already giving hints of its upcoming approach. Nevertheless, his buddies relented by edging a few inches away just enough so that he can still be breathing to pour out all the juice.

He coughed uncomfortably; at least he liked the bunny slippers "So, I... I was all tied up when he... _visited_"

"Bondage..." Kiku scribbled down in a notebook that appeared out of nowhere (with a cover of two men kissing...)

"He said that he'll come again"

"Are you doubtful of him?" Kiku questioned expertly like a professional reporter.

"How could I not? His approach is far too exaggerated; I could never figure out what he'll do next. As far as I know, all of this could be a trick,"

Feliciano looked so thoughtful that he'll be the most expensive Italian sculpture that ever existed if someone ever made one; thinking Feliciano -the impossible is now possible "Acqua cheta rovina i ponti _(silent water run deep)__,_" he mumbled to himself, "Your description regarding his endeavour gives him the picture of veiled sincerity though,"

Ludwig was taken aback by Feliciano significant reply; that was a lot more words from the Italian than he had expected. He wanted to laugh, scream, cry, and have an orgy at the same time, but he should steal this once in a blue moon opportunity. "Are you saying that he meant it?"

"Well-"

"Oh, great! The dogs just dragged in a potato corpse." A familiar accent pierced through their tense conversation. Lovino strolled in leisurely and intentionally snatched the biscotti from Ludwig's plate.

"Ah, good evening Lovino-san," Kiku greeted politely in contrast to his rude demeanour.

As it was too good to be true, Feliciano promptly changed back to his former pasta-loving-idiotic self (Ludwig's hope of a happily ever after dream life was crushed into trivial mould and burnt into ashes simultaneously) "Ve~ Fratello, do you wanna help us with Doitsu too?"

"You're shitting me?" Lovino dusted the crumbs off of his shirt so that they'll fall into Ludwig's hot cocoa, "all that love shit don't need words other than Ti voglio scopare _(I want to fuck you)_,"

This actually got Kiku's attention, the two different views of the heaven's lover (Rome's song shouldn't be a reference to anything and yet, Kiku actually noted it down), "Tell us Lovino-san, what is love in your judgment?"

"Huh? Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, and then wonder what to do with it," he demonstrated this for a revolted cringe from his guest (singular, the German is just a piece of dirt that he'll need to clean up later, _never_ a guest).

"Fratello, that's not nice," Feliciano whined to the elder twin.

"What's this _nice_ you're speaking of, stupid little brother?"

"But I think fratello has a point though,"

"What?" three sets of voice questioned in surprise.

Now, Feliciano continued to be the centre of attention of the group. Kiku had the notebook ready with overwhelmed enthusiasm, Ludwig having his hopes up beyond the sky for the normal helpful friend he had been dreaming of, and Lovino had his hands twitching for the pistol in his back pocket; not hesitating to beat the crap of who-the-fuck this guy is and _that's just not his brother dammit_!

"I mean," Feliciano began, "l'amore conquista tutti _(love conquers all)_. Love changes everything that we once were."

The Italian paused for a moment; obviously his spectators are at the edge of their seats... Literally.

"Love is not pure... It never was," the hot cocoa looked awe-inspiring all of a sudden when he sipped it, "It'll trick us into doing things that we will regret for the rest of our lives. And yet, we will be too lost to even realise it hurts,"

It just came to Ludwig that the man was actually talking to him, but when he wanted to ask for more of the wisdom, he found himself unable to speak. Kiku took his chance.

"Does that means the secret admirer is taking it too far?" when Ludwig twisted his head sideways a bit, he saw that the note Kiku was supposedly taking is a sketch of Feliciano in a fancy outfit; one that would even put Francis and Roderich combined to utter humiliation (the cocoa mug was replaced with outstanding tea sets and the scenery is inside a gothic mansion... Oh, Lovino is at the side wearing a butler's outfit).

"No. He is a victim," the Italian cast his gaze directly at Ludwig's, "Happiness cost a ruthless price that the man is unable to risk. You're the only hope to save him Ludwig,"

A click of Lovino's pistol nicked everybody's attention, "Chi cazzo sei? _(I think it means who the fuck are you, translate please?)_"

"Vee! Fratello stop that! That thing is scarryyy!"

"Shut up! I will not be fooled,"

"A-ah... I know, let me cook you lasagne! You'll see who I am!" Feliciano flailed his arms madly; the other two visitors didn't know what to do (honestly, Ludwig and Kiku taught that this would be quite typical in this household).

The elder seemed doubtful, but a wave of grumbling stomach was enough to convince him, "Fine! But one wrong step and you'll end up having your brains as spaghetti,"

The two continued to chatter in Italian as they made their way to the kitchen. When they had damped down to quiet mumbling, Ludwig looked at his Japanese friend with quizzical eyes-unease, troubled and perplexed on the burden Feliciano had just revealed he had.

The other could only grant him a sympathetic and apologetic smile before heading to the kitchen.

The notebook with the grand drawing was left behind

**XOXO**

**Oh, gee...**

**That's a small update. There's more actually (there was supposed to be another encounter with the secret admirer) but time isn't on my side. Even this bit was a miracle.**

**Sorry for so much Italian words or if Italy was a bit OOC (can't resist XP)**

**Okay! Now, I swear I won't have another update till December!**

**Hahaha, bet ya'll glad =u= this is my most dissapointing yet! XI**


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